Cabin Pressure: Sperlonga
by writerfan2013
Summary: It is Valentine's weekend and Carolyn has booked a special flight. But not everyone is as keen on romance as Martin. Featuring everyone. Spoilers for Vaduz/Xinzhou. If you enjoyed it, please review!
1. Chapter 1

Portakabin, Fitton airfield.

CAROLYN: Good morning all, is everyone fit and well for our Valentine's weekend flight?

MARTIN: Yes. Edinburgh, drop them off today, come back, returning on Saturday to pick them up.

DOUGLAS: Replete with love and personalised kilted teddy bears.

CAROLYN: Well... not quite. Change of plan. The original group booking fell through.

DOUGLAS: What, a crack in the floorboards?

CAROLYN: As happens so often in life and love, they got a better offer. But never fear, crew of mine, for I have secured us an alternative booking with another group of eager travellers.

DOUGLAS: Right...

CAROLYN: Yes, it's Valentine's Day on Friday and we are booked on another special trip in honour of it. Yes drivers, we are going to... Sperlonga.

DOUGLAS: Sperlonga. Remind me, Carolyn, which part of Edinburgh is that in? Just up from Princes Street, or is it perhaps nestling behind the castle?

CAROLYN: No Douglas. Sperlonga is in Italy. On the coast. It is where the Romans go on holiday.

MARTIN: What, in their togas?

CAROLYN: In their thousands. It is a small town on the western side of the Italian boot.

MARTIN: That doesn't sound so bad.

DOUGLAS: No...but it doesn't ring any bells. What's the catch?

CAROLYN: Catch? Why should there be a catch?

DOUGLAS: Because you seem unusually keen to sell it to us, and it's Valentine's Day and forgive me, but you do not strike me as the type who leaves a trail of rose petals through the house for their beloved to follow into a candle filled bower.

CAROLYN: I abhor Valentine's Day as well you know. I have to fend Herc off with a chair.

MARTIN: Then what - hold on. Does Sperlonga have an airport?

CAROLYN: Yes... in a way.

DOUGLAS: What way?

CAROLYN: It has Rome.

MARTIN: Oh Carolyn no. Not a coach transfer.

CAROLYN: It's only a little one. just a teensy trip of...about a hundred miles.

MARTIN: What? No. Carolyn, please.

DOUGLAS: We're not a bus service, Carolyn. I absolutely refuse to tarnish these hands on the wheel of some ramshackle old Italian jalopy because you've promised the customer that airport transfer is included.

CAROLYN: Well that's fine, because you won't have to. Martin will do it.

MARTIN: Me? Why me?

CAROLYN: You have a licence to drive passenger vehicles and you are a professional driver, I believe, and so it will be your pleasure and your privilege to drive a coachload of punters from Rome Fiumicino Airport to the beautiful seaside resort of Sperlonga, while the rest of us brush up on our Italian and anticipate a very pleasant two days off in the February sunshine.

MARTIN: But I was hoping to meet up with Theresa this weekend...

CAROLYN: Ah, the slings and arrows of outrageous love. If you're very good I will let you ring her from the hotel.

DOUGLAS: Oh. So there is a hotel. You haven't got us camping.

ARTHUR: I love camping.

MARTIN: You love everything.

ARTHUR: I do, don't I.

MARTIN: Right, I'll file the new flight plan then. One weekend of solitary misery in Sperlonga, coming up.

CAROLYN: Thank you, Martin. I will see you all anon.

(door slam)

MARTIN: It's all right for the rest of you. I've got a girlfriend!

DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, smug old us, revelling in our single states, alone each night in our charmless hovels untouched by the hand of love. God, we've got it easy, unlike you poor bastards dating princesses.

MARTIN: Well, I'm supposed to spend Valentines day with her!

ARTHUR: Don't worry skip. Romantic weekends are overrated. It's just champagne, chocolates, dreamy hours under the sheets and sunlit mornings in each other's arms. Honestly. It's pretty dull after the first few times.

MARTIN: Hah!

DOUGLAS: Arthur, in spite of myself I am intrigued. How did you spend Valentines day last year?

ARTHUR: Oh, it was pretty standard. I had the whole, breakfast brought to me in bed thing, which was pretty good actually, but then Bunty told me she was calling it off, but luckily her best friend Fee came round to cheer me up and insisted on taking me out on her motor launch along the Thames for the rest of the day, going under all the bridges. So then I was going out with Fee and we had truffles and champers at the top of the Post Office Tower and the Red Arrows did a fly past and, oh, you know. But really, skip, the best bit was the motor launch and you don't need to wait for Valentine's day for that.

DOUGLAS: Thank you. Arthur. Another startling and disturbing insight into the mystery that is your love life.

MARTIN: Hah.

DOUGLAS: Alas, I fear your attempt at cheering up our esteemed captain may not have worked. Perhaps some coffee?

ARTHUR: Right ho.

xxxx

Gertie, flight deck. Martin whistling whilst flipping switches.

ARTHUR: Coffee, skip.

MARTIN: Thank you Arthur. (humming.)

ARTHUR: You're looking cheerier today, skip.

DOUGLAS: Yes...you've perked up.

MARTIN: Yes, well, got to make the best of it. Can't cry over spilt milk. Mustn't grumble.

DOUGLAS: Good grief you're a veritable smorgasbord of cheery truisms. What happened, did you swap heads with Arthur?

MARTIN: No no, but there's no point moaning about something I can't change, is there?

DOUGLAS: On the contrary. Those are the very things you should be moaning about. The things you can change aren't worth your time of day because frankly if you can change them, why haven't you? Ah - I think I see.. . You've done something haven't you?

MARTIN: (bursting with excitement.) Yes! You know the hotel where we're all staying?

ARTHUR: Passengers in the nice bit, us at the back overlooking the bins?

DOUGLAS: Our usual billet.

MARTIN: Yes, well, I've organised Theresa to come and stay there too - incognito, of course, wouldn't do for the princess of Lichtenstein to be seen booking into the worst hotel in Sperlonga - and I've rung ahead and got the hotel to fill our room with flowers and chocolates and champagne on ice and, a musical band to serenade her on the balcony and, oh all those things you talked about, Arthur.

ARTHUR: Wow.

MARTIN: Yes, it's going to be great!

ARTHUR: I mean, double wow, skip. I bet even she won't have seen a motor boat in a hotel room before.

DOUGLAS: Yes... Well done, Martin, sounds like you have actually salvaged your romantic weekend after all.

MARTIN: Yes. Sorry Douglas. I know you're on your own. We'll try not to be too... lovey dovey.

DOUGLAS: Don't put yourself out on my account. Remember I am a mighty sky god and the charms of female company are never far from me, should I want them. Which I don't.

MARTIN: Right. Ok then.

DOUGLAS: Should I wish it, then the fair inhabitants of Sperlonga would be only too pleased to press their amorous attentions upon me. But I dont.

MARTIN: Right. That's good.

(pause.)

MARTIN: We'll probably be out most of the time anyway, you know, sauntering through historic streets hand in hand...you'll hardly know we're there.

DOUGLAS: If I see any kissing there'll be trouble.

xxxxx

Gertie, flight deck. Sounds of glasses clinking and murmur of conversation from the cabin. Flight deck door closes.

MARTIN: That's odd.

DOUGLAS: What's odd? Did someone mistake you for a bellboy again?

MARTIN: I just happened to be in the lift holding a luggage trolley!

DOUGLAS: That woman was most grateful that you carried all her bags to her room though.

MARTIN: She didn't give me a tip. But that's not it. Douglas, none of the passengers are talking to each other.

DOUGLAS: What, lovers spats already? We're barely out of UK airspace. Anyway, they sounded quite lively.

MARTIN: Yes... but they're not, they're not in couples. I don't think there's a single couple on board.

DOUGLAS: Well, a single couple would be a bit of a contradiction in terms.

MARTIN: No, I mean...this is the weirdest romantic flight I've ever been on. Go and see.

(Later.)

DOUGLAS: I see what you mean. Amiable enough but definitely not paramours. Well. At least we won't have to watch them canoodling all weekend. Unless...no.

MARTIN: Oh god. What?

DOUGLAS: Cabin crew, can you come to the flight deck please. Not you, Arthur. Carolyn.

CAROLYN: Yes, yes, what is it, I am in the middle of caring for my guests.

DOUGLAS: Your guests? Are these the same people you usually refer to as nuisances?

CAROLYN: Certainly not. This is a discerning and select group of travellers.

DOUGLAS: How select, Carolyn? What kind of Valentine trip is this?

CAROLYN: Well. You know how miserable it is to spend Valentine's Day all alone without a soul in the world to care for you?

DOUGLAS:(firmly) No.

MARTIN: (smugly) No.

CAROLYN: Well, this group want none of it. They are single and happy and they have engaged our services as an antidote to the sickeningly commercialised exhibition which is the modern day celebration of love. They want out of the whole shebang.

DOUGLAS: In sharp contrast therefore to myself, who -

CAROLYN: Thank you, Douglas, keep your smutty comments to yourself. We, therefore, will be making no mention of or reference to Valentines day or taking any part therein. is that clear?

MARTIN: Um. Yes.

CAROLYN: There are to be no flowers, no serenades, no anything to remind them that this is a day for lovers. Understood?

DOUGLAS: Absolutely.

CAROLYN: If they so much as see a couple of teenagers holding hands they're going to want their money back, so no chatting up the local wildlife. Martin, I know I don't have to worry about you because you're -

MARTIN: -Attached.

CAROLYN: -Hopeless. But Douglas, stay away from the bars and on no account finagle any unlucky ladies into a liaison. Got it?

DOUGLAS: I can assure you that I have even less interest in romance than the people who are in that cabin.

CAROLYN: Marvellous. Now, I must get back to my serving of non champagne to my non romantics while not alerting them to the stunning views over the alps.

(Door slam.)

DOUGLAS: So... you'll be mostly in your room this weekend?


	2. Chapter 2

Rome Fiucima airport. Car park noises, plus faint Italian tannoy.

MARTIN: This is so undignified.

CAROLYN: Shut up and check their tickets. And put on this peaked cap, I borrowed it specially.

MARTIN: What, from the milkman?

CAROLYN: From Herc. It's from his Albanian Air days.

DOUGLAS: Did they deliver a lot of milk?

MARTIN: Shut up, Douglas. Aren't you supposed to be loading up the luggage?

CAROLYN: Arthur's doing that. Douglas is in charge of navigation.

DOUGLAS: Yes, I am the man with the map. Now...ahem. Ladies and gentlemen of the AntiRomantic Tour, may I have your attention. The trip down to Sperlonga will take a couple of hours, and our bus is sadly not blessed with... any facilities, so if you have any personal needs which require a bathroom, or indeed anything beyond a rather tatty seat with a view through very grimy windows, then now is the time to address those needs. Thank you.

CAROLYN: Beautifully done, Douglas. Now, Martin, on with the hat and for pity's sake don't let on that you're one of the pilots.

PASSENGER: (female voice, soft, slight antipodean twang.): Are you our driver?

DOUGLAS: Indeed not. Martin is our driver.

PASSENGER: I need to sit next to the driver. I get travel sickness otherwise.

DOUGLAS: Alas, the driver's buddy spot has been prebooked by one of the passengers, one Mr Aaron Moore.

PASSENGER: That's me. And it's Erin. Erin Moore. I organised this trip.

DOUGLAS: Oh. I'm so sorry. Please, this way.

ERIN: Thank you.

DOUGLAS: Martin, this lady will be sitting next to you during the journey. Miss Moore -

ERIN: Ms.

DOUGLAS: Sorry?

ERIN: It's Ms Moore.

DOUGLAS: So sorry. Ms Moore will be sitting next to you. She suffers from car sickness.

MARTIN: Right.

ERIN: Hope you don't mind if I chat to you a little as we go. It takes my mind off the motion of the vehicle.

MARTIN: Ok. no problem.

ERIN: Do you like word games? I find it helps to pass the time on a long shift.

MARTIN: Hmmm.

ERIN: Just going to freshen up. I'll try and come up with something fun for us to talk about - only right as I'm foisting myself on you, Martin.

(Footsteps away.)

DOUGLAS: Wow. She's something.

MARTIN: Who?

DOUGLAS: of course, yes, you only have eyes for royalty these days. Well I can tell you that I know something when I see it, and that girl is it.

MARTIN: Right.

DOUGLAS: And I can't believe you get to sit next to her the whole way down there.

MARTIN: Hmmm.

DOUGLAS: Did you really not notice her? Long legs, blue eyes, perfect tan, melodic voice, sharp wit?

MARTIN: No Douglas. I really did not. Love can do that to you, you know. Also the blistering heat despite it being only February.

CAROLYN: Martin! Was that the L word I heard?

MARTIN: Sorry Carolyn. Won't happen again.

CAROLYN: It had better not. And just because a pretty girl will be sitting next to you for the next two hours, doesn't mean you can take your eyes off the road.

MARTIN: That won't be a problem.

DOUGLAS: I'll just check that everything's all set and then off we go for our merry jaunt down the autostrada.

(Sounds of final loading preparations and then a faint cheer as Martin starts the engine with a huge rattling noise. The passengers start to sing.)

DOUGLAS: And we're off.

Later.

(Singing has grown wearier. sound of flapping tour brochures.)

MARTIN: Douglas, aren't you hot?

DOUGLAS: No.

MARTIN: I don't know how you can stand it. You could at least loosen your tie.

DOUGLAS: I'm fine, but thanks for your tender concern. But I would hate to unintentionally inflame the passions of any of our honoured guests with a display of my manly torso.

ERIN: (chuckles.) Dont mind me, I've seen it all before.

MARTIN: Oh, are you a zookeeper?

ERIN: I'm a doctor. Surgeon actually. So a bit of hairy chest won't faze me if you're overheating...?

DOUGLAS: Douglas. Douglas Richardson.

ERIN: Douglas. And what do you do, Douglas? I don't remember seeing you on the plane.

DOUGLAS: Oh... you wouldn't have. I was flying it.

MARTIN: As was -

DOUGLAS: Yes Martin?

MARTIN: -Nothing.

CAROLYN: Douglas, Douglas, are you bothering our guests?

ERIN: Not at all. I was just reassuring him that I didn't mind if he wanted to take his shirt off.

CAROLYN: I see. Douglas, are the guests bothering you?

DOUGLAS: Perhaps a little.

ERIN: Cheeky devil. Everything's fine, thank you. We're just a bit hot. People are running out of clothes to take off and it's really not that kind of tour.

CAROLYN: No indeed. Well, not to worry Ms Moore, because we'll be there very -

(Bang. Bus slows to a halt. engine stops.)

MARTIN: Number one engine down!

DOUGLAS: Martin, we've only got one engine.

CAROLYN: Martin! What's going on?

MARTIN: It's just stopped. Sounds like... Engine failure.

ERIN: That's a bit vague. You must be a trained mechanic.

MARTIN: I can't get it into gear...

DOUGLAS: I'll take a look.

CAROLYN: As will I.

(Goes off, comes back.)

CAROLYN: The clutch cable has gone. It was very worn, looks like it's snapped.

ERIN: Oh no... How far are we from the hotel?

DOUGLAS: About five miles.

MARTIN: Maybe we can walk.

CAROLYN: In this heat? And what about the luggage?

MARTIN: Well, I don't know! I don't know anything about buses!

ERIN: I'm melting out here. Don't you have a backup bus?

MARTIN: No, we thought the one would be enough.

ERIN: Can you ring for help? The AA or something?

ARTHUR: There must be an Italian version, Douglas. Maybe the II?

MARTIN: II? What would that stand for?

ARTHUR: Oh. I didn't know it had to stand for anything. I thought AA was just their name, like JR or JFK, except AA got lucky and hasn't been shot yet.

DOUGLAS: Your mind really does work in mysterious ways, Arthur.

CAROLYN: All right everyone, calm down. Arthur and Martin will walk to the hotel, and we will wait in the shade to be rescued.

ARTHUR: Brilliant. Maybe we'll see some lions.

MARTIN: Lions? We're in Italy.

ARTHUR: Yes - maybe we'll see some Ital - lions.

MARTIN: Arthur. did you just make a joke?

ARTHUR: Sorry.

MARTIN: No, it wasn't bad actually.

ARTHUR: I get all funny when I haven't got a girlfriend. Mum says it's all my repressed intimacy having no outlet.

CAROLYN: Idiocy, Arthur. I said idiocy. Now start walking, you two.

DOUGLAS: Carolyn - maybe there's no need. Maybe we can fix it ourselves.

CAROLYN: What? How? Don't tell me you're going to remove your jacket and reveal a complete set of mechanic's tool and one of those little trolleys to slide under the vehicle on.

DOUGLAS: Firstly, the bus's engine is handily located on the end at the back, rendering a trolley redundant. Secondly, the only thing I am going to remove is this.

(rustling sounds.)

ERIN: Very suave. Kind of a James Bond after the casino thing you've got going on there.

DOUGLAS: Thank you. Now with the tie I have just removed, I will attempt a temporary repair of the clutch cable, which hopefully will last long enough to get us all to the hotel, so that nobody has to walk, and nobody has to wait.

(Faint cheer.)

ERIN: D'you want a hand there, Douglas? I'm pretty good with fiddly jobs. My specialism's neurosurgery.

DOUGLAS: Thanks Erin. Let's get this show back on the road.

CAROLYN: Thank you Douglas, and well done.

MARTIN: Yes...what a bit of luck that the one thing to go wrong with the bus could be fixed by the one thing you happened to be the only person still wearing.

DOUGLAS: Martin. Shush.


	3. Chapter 3

Sperlonga. Hotel foyer, hubbub.

CAROLYN: All right, everybody, we're here at last. I will leave you in Ms Moore's capable hands but I would just like to thank you all for taking this AntiRomantic trip with MJN Air and let me assure you that this entire hotel has been designated a soppiness-free zone.

THERESA: Douglas. Douglas, it's me.

DOUGLAS: Theresa! I didn't recognise you in that... Veil.

THERESA: I am incognito.

DOUGLAS: Of course. Your Highness must maintain the utmost discretion at all times. Although perhaps your footman and bodyguards should have worn veils, as well.

THERESA: Douglas, it is nice to see you too. I hope you feel better soon.

DOUGLAS: What?

THERESA: Now, I am looking for Martin. Have you seen him?

DOUGLAS: Yes... he's over there by reception. If you leave the entourage here, perhaps you can sneak up and astonish him with your disguise.

MARTIN: Excuse me. Excuse me!

RECEPTIONIST: Yes, signor, how can I assist you?

MARTIN: My name's Martin Crieff, and I phoned yesterday to arrange -

RECEPTIONIST: Ah, yes, Signor Crieff! You have ordered the roses and the violins and the -

MARTIN: Yes, yes, shush, well now can I please un-order them?

RECEPTIONIST: What?

MARTIN: I don't want them anymore.

RECEPTIONIST: So sorry. But perhaps when she sees them, the lady will forgive you.

MARTIN: No! Um.. that's right. Yes. The whole thing's off. We've broken up.

(sharp intake of breath close to Martin.)

RECEPTIONIST: Oh signor, you must not underestimate the power that a moonlight serenade can have on a lady... even a rather, how shall I say, hard to please lady.

MARTIN: No, I'm sorry, but please cancel the whole lot. I don't want any of it.

RECEPTIONIST: I am sorry to hear this, signor. I will cancel the violins and get someone to sweep up the roses petals as soon as possible. (Shouts command in Italian). And I will ring the quartet, hopefully they have not yet left to drive here.

MARTIN: Thank you.

RECEPTIONIST: And I will send someone up to remove the champagne. Unless signor is anticipating drowning his sorrows?

MARTIN: Um - yes. Yes, that's right. I'll just be in my room, with the champagne, contemplating my newly single state. Great. Thank you.

THERESA: (sobs) Oh! Let me past! Let me out of here!

MARTIN: Theresa?

xxxx

CAROLYN: Well, this is us. Douglas, yours is on the end by the fire escape. Martin, you're opposite me and Arthur...

ARTHUR: Yes Mum?

CAROLYN: You are in a special room by the old stable block. Just so that you can't sleepwalking off any balconies. The hotel is rather precipitously situated.

ARTHUR: Brilliant!

DOUGLAS: (opening bedroom door) Oh, not bad, not bad at all. But Carolyn, really we've known each other long enough that you could have simply left me a note.

CAROLYN: What? Oh my word.

DOUGLAS: The four poster bed was a subtle touch - unlike the heart shaped chocolates spelling out ' I am infernally yours'.

MARTIN: Eternally! Oh, for pity's sake. Douglas, this isn't your room. It's mine.

DOUGLAS: So you too make a claim for our fair leader's affections? I may have to duel with you on the impressively spacious private balcony.

MARTIN: (gritted teeth): It's my room and you know it. Douglas.

DOUGLAS: Oh, but it isn't. I just had a hunch that your room might be slightly nicer than mine and so I asked the hotel to do us a quick swap.

CAROLYN: But what's all this confetti and candles nonsense?

DOUGLAS: A misunderstanding I'm sure. I'll ring down and get Reception to sort it out.

MARTIN: (strangled voice) This is my room and you know why!

DOUGLAS: It really isn't and I can tell Carolyn why if you like.

CAROLYN: I don't know what you two have going on, but luckily for you, I don't care. I am going to my room where I will remain, with a large dose of room service, until this evening's meal. I expect to see you both there and on your best behaviour. Try to look like grown ups and remember, no fraternising: if the urge comes upon you, think hard about something unpleasant, like paying for your own accommodation, until it passes.

MARTIN: Yes, Carolyn.

DOUGLAS: I assume we are allowed to talk to other guests? I mean, as a bunch of single guys all in the same hotel bar together?

CAROLYN: I am not a monster, Douglas. This is your time off. Enjoy your break, as I certainly intend to enjoy mine. Just please, no clumsy attempts at converting any of the group from their chosen and cloistered paths.

(door slam.)

MARTIN: Give me my room back!

DOUGLAS: Oh, but Reception was most sympathetic when I explained that you could hardly bear the sight of all those reminders of what might have been...

MARTIN: Douglas, come on. I'll give you... umm...

DOUGLAS: How about you let me have the room and I don't tell anyone Theresa's here?

MARTIN: Is she already? She's not due in yet.

DOUGLAS: I saw her downstairs just now. Do we have a deal?

MARTIN: Give me the champagne back. And the chocolates. Maybe I can spell out something else with them.

DOUGLAS: Ah...'roar, foul aliens?'

MARTIN: Douglas!

DOUGLAS: All right. I get the room. You get the chocs and bubbly, and my silence.

MARTIN: Thank you. Now, where did you say you saw Theresa?

DOUGLAS: In reception. But you may not recognise her. She's in disguise.

xxxx

(outside on the patio, sounds of dinner)

ARTHUR: Don't worry skip. I'm sure she'll be here soon.

MARTIN: She should have been here an hour ago. I've got to warn her about the no couples rule. Oh, this is just typical - I try to do a big romantic gesture and Carolyn bans it.

ARTHUR: It's banned at home too. Mum's trained me to intercept flowers and perfume at the gate. I have to stop Herc before he reaches the front door and completely remove any sign of extravagance.

MARTIN: Does that actually work?

ARTHUR: Not really. Mum says I need to work on my tackle.

MARTIN: Hah. I'm going to check the hotel again. Maybe there's been a message.

ARTHUR: At least she'll still have your present even if the other stuff has been taken away.

MARTIN: Present?

ARTHUR: Oh yes skip. Girlfriends love presents. Presents and kisses. Those are the two things I always remember to give them.

MARTIN: I haven't got Theresa a present.

ARTHUR: It'll have to be kisses then. (anxiously) You can kiss, can't you, skip?

MARTIN: Mmn. Not necessarily as well as the situation requires...


	4. Chapter 4

Patio, evening. sounds of insects and in the distance, the ocean.

CAROLYN: Well, this is rather nice. Sea air. beautiful view, and Martin is attracting all the midges. Douglas, the wine, if you don't mind. Arthur, you can have my tiramisu - if you promise not to try to pronounce it.

ARTHUR: Thanks Mum. This place is great, isn't it? My room has a half door, just like a real stable! It's themed.

DOUGLAS: Does the coffee table hang on the wall looking like a colander filled with hay?

ARTHUR: Yes, how did you know?

DOUGLAS: A lucky guess based on experience of Carolyn's cost cutting strategies.

CAROLYN: Hush, Douglas, Arthur is happy with his quarters. Look, here comes the chief singleton to talk to us.

(greetings all round)

DOUGLAS: A most enjoyable evening, Ms Moore. I trust your party found everything suitably mundane?

ERIN: We're good thanks. I just wondered if you guys would like to join us. Seems silly to sit apart. And I can introduce you to a few more people.

(Acquiescence and shuffling aa they move to sit with the rest.)

ERIN: That's Mary, quietly absorbed in her favourite book. Not so easy to do in a restaurant full of people popping the question.

DOUGLAS: No indeed. Nobody likes Pride and Prejudice spoiled by all that intrusive romance. Who's this?

ERIN: That's Father Michael. He's someone else who's married to the job. Well, married to God.

DOUGLAS: Which does rather break the no couples rule...

ERIN: That's Tina and Gina - they run a novelty sock business together. I haven't had a chance to chat with them yet.

DOUGLAS: Did things start off on the wrong foot?

ERIN: I'm sure they're darned nice once you get to know them.

CAROLYN: I see the pair of them are inseparable.

DOUGLAS: Oh not bad, Carolyn.

ARTHUR: Don't all these people want girlfriends and boyfriends though? Even a causal relationship, like Mum and Herc?

MARTIN: Causal? Do you mean casual?

ARTHUR: No - Herc causes Mum's blood pressure to rise, isn't that right Mum?

CAROLYN: Yes dear. And I cause him inexplicably to keep turning up and being all soppy even when I ask him not to.

ERIN: You guys are all so cute together. You see, this is what's great about being single - you get to spend time with friends.

ALL: Hmmmm...

ERIN: The people here are complete and validated as they are. We are career people, independent people, whole people. Friendship fulfills us in our social lives. We don't need the complications and, ah, emotional upheaval of a romantic liaison.

DOUGLAS: Ah. I see.

ERIN: What?

DOUGLAS: Nothing.

MARTIN: Well, I don't see anything wrong with being in a relationship. God knows I was single long enough. Now I've met the right person, I wouldn't go back to how I was before in a million years.

CAROLYN: Martin - mushiness alert!

MARTIN: Sorry.

ERIN: Well, good for you Martin. I personally have no problem with couples. It's just ... not my thing.

DOUGLAS: I understand. So, who's that glued to his laptop?

ERIN: Oh, that's Dave. Internet millionaire, could have his pick of girls, or boys, come to that. Would rather be here, chilling out with a few like minded singletons, sinking a few beers and enjoying life. Look at him checking the stock market, happy as Larry.

DOUGLAS: Yes, where is Larry?

ERIN: Upstairs. On the phone to his cats.

xxxx

Hotel, breakfast. Seagulls, lively chatter, bright sharp sounds of morning.

CAROLYN: Morning, Martin! Coming into town? I fancy a look at the historic defences.

MARTIN: (listlessly) I'm going to hang around here. Catch up on some... reading.

DOUGLAS: I'll walk in with you, Carolyn. Maybe they'll have a shop where I can buy a postcard to send to what used to be home. D'you think they do, Glad you're not here?

MARTIN: Has anyone seen Arthur this morning?

DOUGLAS: No, but there was a lot of neighing in the courtyard first thing.

MARTIN: Maybe Dobbin wants his bedroom back. Very annoying when some other horse takes your specially booked, four poster bedroom with the sea view.

DOUGLAS: Maybe Dobbin found somewhere else to sleep, perfectly adequate and still with a pleasant filly for company...

MARTIN: Maybe not. Maybe Dobbin spent the night pacing up and down worried sick because the...horse friend had not turned up.

DOUGLAS: Oh. Oh that's not good at all. Has Dobbin tried ringing the... horse phone?

MARTIN: Yes! Dobbin's hooves are worn out with dialling!

CAROLYN: All right, that's quite enough surreal euphemism for one continental buffet. I'll see you in the foyer, Douglas. (chair scrape, footsteps away)

DOUGLAS: Where is Theresa?

MARTIN: I don't know. I'm starting to think she's changed her mind about... me.

DOUGLAS: Ring her again, Martin. Ring your little hooves off.

xxxx

(Inside, soft bar noises, muffled by thick carpet, gentle piano music.)

DOUGLAS: A large one for me please. I'll be over in the corner next to... the lady-?

THERESA: Douglas? What are you doing here?

DOUGLAS: Drowning a sorrow I didn't know I had. More to the point, what are you doing here?

THERESA: What am I doing in the best hotel in town? That's a pretty odd question to ask a princess.

DOUGLAS: Not when the princess's boyfriend is waiting for her in the worst hotel in town.

THERESA: Waiting to tell me he's leaving me? I think I would rather be here. (Requests a top up in flawless Italian.) Will you have another, Douglas?

DOUGLAS: Not for me, thanks. I'm pacing myself. -Martin isn't going to leave you!

THERESA: I heard him tell the receptionist in that very rustic hotel that he was now single.

DOUGLAS: Ah. That, I fear, was the result of our fair leader's strict insistence on a lack of romance. Martin has definitely not left you. (Grudgingly bringing himself to spell it out) He - really likes you a lot.

THERESA:(bitterly) Right, because that's what every girl longs for - a man who really likes her.

DOUGLAS: No, Theresa, Martin really does... he - he loves you.

THERESA: He has a funny way of showing it.

DOUGLAS: Please - spare me the sordid details. And maybe I will have that drink while I explain.

xxxx

Outside, horses hooves on cobblestones.

ARTHUR: Thanks for the ride, Stefania. I'd better go and find the others.

STEFANIA: (very sultry Italian voice) Will I see you later? Say yes!

ARTHUR: Yes! You've got really lovely horses.

STEFANIA: Later I will bring my friends Gigi and Lola.

ARTHUR: Oh good.

STEFANIA: What, I am not good enough for you?

ARTHUR: No, they just sound easier to pronounce.

STEFANIA: The hotel is just up this road. past the public telephones. Ciao. ciao, ciao.

(extravagant kissing sounds, then the horses clatter away.)

ARTHUR: (humming to himself.) Bob giorno, ciao, bob giorno, ciao, morning everyone. Oh - Mum?

CAROLYN: I will not call you pookums. You have a perfectly good name - well actually a perfectly ridiculous name, but I'll let that pass - and I am content to use it.

(voice faintly on the end of a phone line)

CAROLYN: I've said I miss you and that should suffice.

(voice faintly on the end of a phone line)

CAROLYN: Oh for pity's sake. I miss you. Pookums. There. Now - Arthur?

ARTHUR: Bob giorno!

CAROLYN: I was just - ringing Herc. Where have you been? Did you just arrive on a horse?

ARTHUR: It's a brilliant hotel, isn't it? Does your room have horses?

CAROLYN: Mercifully not. Now you toddle off, I am going shopping.

ARTHUR: The hotel gives you the food, Mum.

CAROLYN: Almost right, but it is not food I will be buying. It's... Just a souvenir of some kind. For Herc.

ARTHUR: Oh, Mum, he'll like that. It's a shame you couldn't bring him with you, like Martin's brought Theresa.

CAROLYN: What!

ARTHUR: Except he couldn't find her last night and he had to cancel the motorboat and Douglas stole his room with the rose petals and I've just remembered I'm not supposed to tell you she's here.

CAROLYN: Martin wanted to surprise Theresa here?

ARTHUR: Yes, only now the only surprise he's got for her is kisses.

CAROLYN: Too much detail, Arthur, you know how I prefer to skim lightly over the surface of the love lives of others or indeed my own. So where is Martin now?

ARTHUR: Well last night he was a bit depressed cos he thought Theresa wasn't turning up.

CAROLYN: Right then. I suppose I'd better go and sort this out. This anti romantic shenanigans is frankly wreaking havoc with all of us.

ARTHUR: Not me! There's this brilliant girl called Ste - Sfe -Stefania and her horse -

CAROLYN: Lightly skimming, Arthur dear, lightly skimming! Now, back to the hotel!

ARTHUR: Right-ho! Bob giorno!

xxxx

Hotel, outside, seagulls and ocean.

DOUGLAS: Martin! There you are.

MARTIN: (in utter misery) Hi Douglas...hi, Ms Moore...

DOUGLAS: Martin. Stop staring at your relentlessly non ringing phone and go upstairs. Goodbye, see you later and arrivederci.

MARTIN: Douglas? Where are you off to?

DOUGLAS: You're going up to your room right now, and Ms Moore and I are going for a walk.

MARTIN: Why are you winking at me? Oh, are you trying to get me off the scene for some reason? (warningly) Douglas...

DOUGLAS: You need to go and check your room as I believe Dobbin's friend has returned.

MARTIN: Oh!

DOUGLAS: Meanwhile we are going to inspect the unusual striations of those cliffs over there and look for fossils. You see we have discovered a shared interest in geology.

MARTIN: (stage whisper) Fraternising?

ERIN: Hardly. Firstly, the root of that word is from the Latin meaning brotherly or friendly companionship. Secondly, I don't think anyone's going to leap to conclusions seeing me walk along a beach with an old codger like Douglas. Come on, last one to the striations is a sissy!

(footsteps pattering away across the sand)

DOUGLAS: I think I'm in love.

xxxx

(In the hotel, upstairs)

THERESA: So... no present?

MARTIN: Oh God. I'm sorry. I knew I should have -

THERESA: Relax, Martin, I am just winding you up. I don't want a present. Now, where are our rooms?

MARTIN: Rooms?

THERESA: Yours and mine. I hope mine is nice.

MARTIN: Um... Theresa, I, ah, that is, I have only booked one room. I can change it, though...or go and share with Arthur...

THERESA: Martin. I am teasing you again.

MARTIN: Oh. Oh! good.

THERESA: Yes, good. I did not fly all this way not to spend every moment with you.

MARTIN: Right. I mean, me too.

THERESA: So...Are you going to carry me over the threshold?

MARTIN: - You're teasing again. - Aren't you?

THERESA: I just thought it would be nice. Romantic.

CAROLYN: Martin! is that you? I need to talk to you!

(Sound of door openly and Martin bundling Theresa inside.)

THERESA: Well! Aren't you keen? (purring) Shall we?

MARTIN: Well, I...ah, um, ah, I -

THERESA: (chuckles) Breathe, Martin. I saw your boss lady chasing us up the stairs. You can put me down now - and tell me all about it.

(pause.)

MARTIN: I will... but first...

THERESA: Oh! Martin!

xxxx

DOUGLAS: So tell me, Erin, about this super-to-be-single club of yours. Because it may surprise you to learn that I too am at present relationship-free.

ERIN: I know.

DOUGLAS: You do? Oh - the old 'pale mark where my wedding ring used to be' thing?

ERIN: No. You just seem a little... off your game.

DOUGLAS: But you've never seen me on my game, so to speak. What makes you think I am off it?

ERIN: Because I've met your kind before, Douglas. You're good looking and you know it, you come across all smooth and superior...you basically think you're the cat's pyjamas. I bet even now you're sizing up some of the mature ladies on this trip with a view to wooing them with your devilish charms.

DOUGLAS: No...I'm really not.

ERIN: Well, keep it that way. But like I said, right now you seem... a little sad. You need to chill out, spend time with good people, really relish your freedom.

DOUGLAS: I will.

ERIN: You don't have to be married to be content.

DOUGLAS: Three marriages has rather proved that point, certainly.

ERIN: I was nearly married once myself. But.. dodged it. You know. Better off as I am. Lucky escape. (laughs uncertainly)

DOUGLAS: You know, I think that is rather lucky.

(soft noise of bare feet on sand, waves lapping the shore.)

ERIN: This is the life.

DOUGLAS: Yes indeed. Who needs ... that ... when you've got this?

ERIN: Not us!

DOUGLAS: Not us.

THE END


End file.
